Jeune-Romantique

Like a Book

2010-03-17T01:56:00Z

Do you ever wish you could skip a chapter in your life?

Tomorrow's Yesterday

2010-03-17T01:20:12Z

Tomorrow's Yesterday

And I falter,
before I see,
everything,
and nothing,
the epitome,
of an epiphany.

Poison runs cold,
in blood,
so warm,
searching for the one,
to make me,
undone.

But no,
whether fate,
or destiny,
I'm safe,
my soul so sure,
I hope.

And yet tomorrow,
haunts today,
and then,
there's yesterday,
a forgotten tomorrow,
a missed today.

So Much Hate

2010-03-08T00:07:34Z

I can't live with the amount of hate I have inside me at the moment. I hate it. I just want it to go away.

Meanwhile I'm exhausted from being sick. My legs just keep getting tired easily and then eventually I can't walk without hanging on to something. It's really depressing me...but I just have to get over it and look forward to getting well and do my best to make that happen.

Sick Sick Sick...and More Sick

2010-03-04T00:29:18Z

Tonsillitis again. They are counting this as the 3rd time in 5-6 weeks. My body seems to have given up on fever this time and has decided to be hypothermic (in hospital I was 34, 34.5 and 35 degrees celsius progressively through night) after waking up from sweating attacks. Had it again yesterday, not sure what my temperature was, but hasn't happened since so that's good. Seems I am slowly getting better!

Have an appointment with a ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist next week sometime (they haven't confirmed the appointment) to see about a Tonsillectomy (removal of my tonsils). I've been researching and I could be off work for between 10 and 20 days. And the median time for an adult to be in hospital after the surgery is 2.5 days. So going to be a rough ride, with a lot of pain, and no talking, but it will be worth it...considering I have spent 20 days with Tonsillitis in the last 6 weeks. Which would of been longer if the two hospital visits hadn't happened.

Was depressing being in hospital without family. I was waiting for a bed to become available, they'd just given me morphine, and I suddenly felt lonely and depressed and wanted to cry...then I felt extremely tired...but I realise now the morphine must have caused it, since it was 30 mins previous I took it. As soon as I got into my bed and got settled I was fine. It is hard being independent away from family sometimes. Thank god I have friends that care about me and a housemate that puts up with me. My friend Darren has been absolutely beautiful.

Cocoon.

2010-02-27T04:23:10Z

I feel like I'm a butterfly still in it's cocoon, waiting for the day when it will finally open. My life is good, it's by no means terrible...but it's not the life I want to have. I don't want an ideal life, but I do wish mine was different in some ways...better suited to me. More mine.

I see other people living their lives, and sometimes, I wish it was mine. Not exactly the same, but as good as theirs appears to me. But, at the end of the day, they probably don't like their life as much as I think they do. And their life, heck, it wouldn't suit me.

And isn't it funny that the people who do the wrong things seem to often end up with so many more friends, so much more money and so much more love. At least for now...shaky foundations make for a non-ideal future.

So I guess that's what I'm doing then. I'm laying down the foundations of my life. Education wise. Financially. Life lessons. Friendships. Experience. It's all working towards a better, but also more secure, future.

The people who treat the present so flippantly, who do the wrong thing but seem to have it all...they fail later.

I'll console myself with that.

I feel like I'm failing still...I don't know what to do with my writing. It's so important to me. I was telling a friend the other day...my life doesn't just consist of working and then having fun...it's so much more than that. Writing, dreaming and creating is a part of that...but there's more to it. I'm just not sure what it is yet.

I think my future is going to surprise everyone. Including me.

Even though I want someone to love me, and love in return. I don't think I am ready for it, and I won't be for a long time. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of someone loving me when I'm not comfortable loving someone else. I need a break. The idea of falling in love with someone makes me want to cry.

Hospital

2010-02-26T03:20:38Z

Tonsillitis struck me down again...this time causing me to spend 4 hrs in hospital getting saline drips, antibiotics drips and some steroids. I'm getting better a lot faster then the bout I had last month though which is good.

Feeling a bit unaccomplished at the moment. Haven't been doing much lately. Was reading an early draft script I wrote last year and I quite like it. It's not as much a mess as I had convinced myself. Working on my novel now too.

Obviously this is mostly focused on my writing...but I've been feeling ergh about not going to the gym for like 2 months either. But, I always remember, as long as I get back into it soon it's not really going to matter is it. It's not like I'm getting fat. Although that does worry me. I'd hate to get fat. I'd feel like I was losing a part of myself. I guess losing a bit of pride in who I am physically. And internally too...I respect myself, so if I get fat I'm almost abusing that respect...and I feel so strong inside, if I am weak outside I am a walking caricature.

But anyway...there's so much to accomplish, so much to plan, so much to just do. But I know I have the time...and I know I am young and that it's okay to slack off occasionally, as long as I get back to it as before.

I think I've been in my mind enough lately without writing as well...

Ashame

2010-02-15T01:42:31Z

Ashame

They laugh at me:
I hide my face,
Looking down -
I think of thanking god for that collar later.

I don't know why, but this poem feels so hopeful to me. I wrote it last year. It's probably been posted on here before but it feels relevant now. I think the person, they're looking away embarrassed, ashamed. Then they find thanks in something so small. Even though I may be looking down a lot lately, I've still got my collar, I've still got the little things to get me by...till I can look up again, and face another day.

When I'm Down and Feelin' Blue...

2010-02-15T01:28:44Z

And now I have to face up to what I've done.

What other's have done to me.

Then move forward, knowing only one thing -

Never again.

Underestimated

2010-02-14T01:48:44Z

I make choices sometimes that seem totally foolish. But they aren't really. I'm making a decision based on what's given to me, and although it's not the one most people would make...I'm aware of it, I make the decision and I carry it through all the way to the end.

And people have failed me in the past, and yet I never, for a second, would take the decision I made back, the decision to believe in somebody. I know that that decision had a positive effect on them, even if things didn't go ideally. Even if they hurt me. I know that the power of having someone have complete faith and compassion in you is a feeling like no other. And it carries you through for a very long time to come.

Maybe my downfall is seeing the good in people, accepting the bad, and yet still being there for them. Being their friend. Sometimes loving them. Maybe it does hurt me so very often.

But it's worth it, and always will be.

I would never, ever, wish I thought the worst of somebody, even if they destroy me.

Valentine's Day

2010-02-13T02:34:37Z

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow. I'm going to be single for it, once again. And yet, I don't mind.

Jennifer will be having her baby any day now, she's four days overdue. I'm hoping she has it tomorrow. A Valentine's Baby. How cute. How special.

This weekend is a culmination of so many things started, and so many things yet to begin. It all comes together. Scary, in a way. Every ending is also a beginning. But what are the casualties?

jeuneromantique @ 2010-02-09T19:03:00

2010-02-09T09:03:11Z

Why?

The Possibility

2010-02-07T03:45:15Z

The Possibility

Oh look,
Another smile,
Hard to see,
Hiding there,
As if dangers,
Lurk everywhere.

Another heart,
In the sea,
Frowning, drowning,
In the possibility.

And yet,
I see beneath.

Oh look,
The frustration,
Of a heart,
So hidden,
As if love,
The enemy.

Truly,
Don’t you see?
What you are,
Beneath,
Is the only truth,
I will ever see.

The only truth,
I will ever see,
A smile,
Obvious to me.

The World Waits?

2010-02-05T12:34:12Z

The World Waits?

The world waits,
With abated breath,
As I turn,
And gaze, and point,
And smile, with such
Passion, that I…

Can’t hold my
Tongue any more, now,
An idea,
Given birth, right here,
And this page, becomes
My love, and my…

Dream becomes…
Something more besides,
And so sure,
And yet! I stare
And long, for that
Hand in mine, today.

And the world waits,
With abated breath,
As I turn,
And write, and play,
And laugh, with such,
Passion, that I…

Can forget
That long-imagined hand,
That love,
That dream, besides,
The one, I’ve got.

jeuneromantique @ 2010-02-05T07:59:00

2010-02-04T21:59:23Z

Sigh.

Signposts

2010-02-03T05:36:42Z

It's sometimes hard not to feel like fate is hurtling me off in some unknown direction, that, at the moment, feels like a random array of events, coincidences and, sometimes, luck. Then, there's a signpost on the side of the road, telling you in all its glory that you're going okay, that you're on the right track. Or maybe that left hand turn you've been considering would be a great one. It's like that lamppost in the snow, standing there in the silence, the trees all around, the animals ignoring it, it's not even a curiosity. But for me, it's a wondrous, beautiful event in an array of events that seem to have no purpose. And that lamppost, it's light reflecting off the snow, its glaring brilliance just screaming, look you're here, you've always been here, you've always been on the way to greatness. Now keep moving, keep at it. There'll be another lamppost further on to remind you where your going, and then another and another.

And I never get there. There is no end. It's the fruitless, tireless journey towards perfect happiness. I slow down as I get older. I can go weeks, months, years, without never really moving a step forward, and then something unexpected happens, and I'm thrust back into the journey. With only the happiness in knowing I am alive to comfort me.

I wish I could be at the lamppost stage right now. I know what I want. But I feel a bit lost. I've lost the light amongst the trees. And yet, just a step or two further, and alas, there is the light in the distance, the next moment of intense change lurking around the corner.

Impassioned...Again!

2010-02-01T06:59:30Z

I'm impassioned...again. Well, I lie, I'm nearly always impassioned about something. But it's a great word.

Anyway, I may or may not have mentioned this another time...but lately I've been thinking about some things and my opinions on them, and thinking I really want to get them out there and considered by others. I've been wanting to write about the Gay Stereotype and it's bewildering celebration and yet hate. Pride gone wrong. A stereotype exaggerated out of pride. It's a vicious circle of destruction...and look I've already started writing the article. Don't judge it yet! Then, I want to write about Marketing Magnetism. People believing things because of the power of marketing. Oh, and finally, Drugs and a Society in Denial. Celebrities being talked about and honoured and loved and yet many of them are using illicit drugs, and not the drugs you can be like, 'well it's not THAT bad, sure it's illegal, but meh alcohol was illegal once too'...no this is more 'that's some serious shit man'. Then there's the government being ultra conservative. We live in a society portraying this anti-drug message and yet when you look around, the amount of people using these drugs is high enough to wonder...why don't we have people endorsing this shit? There's enough of them. We live in some sort of future dystopian society and we don't even know about it.

Well I'm better now. No more tonsillitis. Worst week ever.

Idiot's Guide to Being Taken Seriously

2010-01-27T08:28:24Z

I find a lot of the things I do aren't just because of passion, love, determination and a desire to succeed...it's like all those things feed off of a desire to be taken seriously.

I find myself feeling like I'm in a world of people, of friends, of family, with no one taking me seriously. So I worry that something I do isn't good enough, or I go out of my way to bring attention to something so I am taken seriously.

I think it's a part of why I like people reading my poetry. Sometimes. Depending on the person. If they see I feel deeply, maybe they'll take me seriously? Maybe they'll see I'm not just a 19 year old guy.

If I can get a novel published, will people look at me differently? Take me more seriously? I doubt it changes much at all though, except internal confidence.

If I can engage you in a conversation, does that mean you're taking me seriously?

And it's bizarre, but I have always found myself wanting to get away from people in my life, and finding brand new people, starting fresh in a new scene as a solution to being taken seriously. It's as if my past is polluted, my first impressions crap or subsequently destroyed by knowing me. And seemingly the only solution is an absolute new beginning. It is, after all, part of the reason I moved here...

The problem is...it doesn't matter whether people take me seriously or not, what matters is that me being concerned about it, and letting it be such a driving factor in my life, effects my confidence...I worry that something I'm doing is not up to scratch, not good enough.

I've been a bit depressed today. Slowly getting over Tonsillitis. I look at my Tonsils everyday...they look absolutely revolting. At least my fever has gone. I just wish it didn't feel like I was having a goddam period.

Art of Love

2010-01-23T00:53:05Z

“Relationships end all the time; they become friendships, they suffer betrayals, love dies and wilts like a rose, but sometimes it’s so strong it lives forever...If it does die, if it never even begins then I will still be happy that I took that chance...that I gave you the power to break my heart...it doesn't matter what happens, and why...what matters is we’re here now, pouring our hearts out to each other...trying to make the other understand...and, right now, this very second, I like you...I look forward to chatting to you every night...I think about you during the day...whatever happens at least we have this moment, this time. We shall see what happens, and whatever does happen, it happens. No regrets.” - Me, at Seventeen.

I said that to the first guy I ever had feelings for. And it still applies, every time. It's so hard to be myself sometimes, when my mind and heart can be so at odds with each other. Regrets aren't regrets until tomorrow, sometimes I forget that. That's what the quote is about...acknowledging tomorrow's possible regrets, and seeing that someone is beautiful and it doesn't matter the pain they cause, cause I've had my chance, my time with them, and if it doesn't work out then at least they know I would rather love and bleed than regret.

I'm having a confused moment between 'than' and 'then'...I know how to use them, even though I do it wrong all the time, and yet 'than' suddenly doesn't look like a proper word. Sigh.

Unexpected Turns

2010-01-22T09:47:38Z

Life takes such unexpected turns...sometimes it folds back on itself, and nostalgia and the present become oddly infused.

This is happening at the moment...a day is yesterday and today all at the same time...and it's hard to move forward from that, the inexplicable tug of the hearts yearning fixing itself onto the present and the past all at once. I step forward towards tomorrow, with not even the present to act as a springboard. They say you should live for today, and sometimes tomorrow, but never for yesterday. Well I actually just made that up, but I'm pretty sure that's the going philosophy of 'better' living. Right now I can't live for today, I can't live for yesterday, all I can do is live for tomorrow...and its so fantastic but I don't want to leave the past and present behind, I want to take it with me, I want to hold on to it, for better and worse, forever. And that's insanity.

On a bright note my acne's clearing up...slowly but surely! It's wonderful! Every week I feel re-energised and more confident...my self-esteem has been good, but knowing a physical fault I had is going just adds an oomph...a new level of confidence. And it's great. I'm realising that some of the mistakes I make at work is caused by lack of confidence.

I'm realising I have a problem with being wrong lately...that's what the poem 'Unforgiven' is about (my last post). I feel like being wrong makes me less intelligent, less good, less me...when it doesn't! Being wrong means I can learn, being wrong is human...and yet it always bothers me and I always feel silly if I am ever wrong. Being self-aware of it though should help.

Sigh...I'm on-and-off sick all week for some reason. Just won't go away!

Unforgiven

2010-01-17T11:03:33Z

Unforgiven

And my faults,
Are felt,
As if immortal sin,
Without reprieve,
As if being perfect,
Isn’t but a dream.

As if remembered,
By fault alone,
The lessons soon,
To be learnt,
Forgotten.

And when death comes,
The mourners flock,
To share their woes,
And shout…
- expletives.
No tears,
No fond memories,
Just anger,
And mistakes,
Remembered…
- unforgiven.

In this one moment,
A sorry,
Seems worthless,
Devoid of power,
Of heart, of kind,
Just empty words,
To get myself by.

The Problem with a Holiday

2010-01-17T07:25:32Z

I go back to work tomorrow, and I'm nervous. After not working since the beginning of December I feel like I'm almost starting a new job...I know all that I'll be fine though as soon as I get there and get back into the routine and that I have nothing to worry about...but I still can't help but feel a little nervous. I'd say a lot of people have this...I remember school was the same, the days before the end of the Christmas holidays most people would be slightly nervous, slightly excited (to see everyone, not for school haha) and even a bit apprehensive...I guess works the same.

I technically have two jobs now...and I'm a student. My housemate is taking me on in his business (on a trial basis) as a marketing consultant...which will be one or two days a week of work...which is an extra $60 minimum a week. Sweet! And I'm really excited about it too...I think I can help the business, and that I can actually have an impact on the businesses future. I'm also, in my own time, developing and planning a product (backpacker day trips) for the business, which I'm thoroughly enjoying. My main enemy is procrastination and laziness. But, one small hurdle really, if I want something enough I can make it happen...it just takes a bit more hard work.

I REALLY want to get published this year, well at least start the process of getting published, as an author. I'm only a 10th of the way through my book, but if I can finish at least the first draft by mid-year, then have a second draft done around September...have friends read it in October...do a final draft and then send it off in January 2011. Which is a good time, I imagine, to be sending manuscripts (since it's after the holiday season). Then, once I've got an Agent on board...we can start the publishing journey and hopefully be published by the end of that year (or, at least have being published in firm sites).

That's all so far away though...but I have a LOT of work ahead of me. This is the year of foundations. Last year was changes, this year is laying down some security for the future. Investing my time in skills, finances, learning and creating for positive development in the future.

2011 is going to be the year of Beginnings. Travel and being published are already planned for that year...and there's more to come, I'm certain. It's going to be FANTASTIC.

Although, personally, I think the best years of my life are going to be 2013-2020. Success.

AND I just realised, something I thought I would of divulged in this journal hasn't been yet...how secretive of me ;)

Oh and PS: I met an awesome guy the other night, so I've either made a fantastic friend or maybe something more...time will tell.

2AM

2010-01-13T03:59:53Z

Imagine if you could have a conversation with yourself that spanned your whole life? Your 13 year old self, wondering what life is all about, telling your 40 year old self to 'have a little fun'? Your 16 yr old self, feeling left out because it seems like sex is what everyone is doing, being told by your 21 year old self to 'hang on a little bit longer, you'll see.' Your 70 year old self telling your 20 year old self that 'life is fantastic, don't try, do!'.

Obviously, this conversation can't happen. But imagine. Just imagine. You might learn a bit about yourself. You might realise you've forgotten what was important, you've forgotten some dream, you've forgotten a promise you made to yourself...maybe you've forgotten that life is for living, not getting ready to die.

When I was 13, I remember walking into the front yard to use the trampoline...and stopping. The breeze rustling the vines that crept along the picket wooden wall of the side courtyard. The smell of earth and living. The silence. Then seeing myself, around the age I am now, and knowing that everything would be fantastic. I lay down on the trampoline, closed my ears, took a deep breath and felt content. It was like a connection to the future. There was another time, on my balcony, when I was around 18...the breeze was the same, the smell, the silence. And I saw myself as an older man. Well past his prime. Perhaps in his 70's, maybe later. And again, I closed my eyes, and I knew everything was going to be okay...if I am alive, that's the only and one thing I ever have to be thankful for...and everything else can build upon that, feed from it, live off it. When I'm down, I know I am alive. When I cry, those tears are a sign of life. And when I laugh, when a moment seems so perfect, I think in those moments I'm telling my younger self...'Jarad, everything will be okay.'

And that's the meaning I find in my life. I am alive. That's all there is to it, and that's all I will ever need.

Day Ten

2010-01-10T07:50:26Z

It's day ten of the new year. So many dreams and goals, change and growth to come...and it's daunting.

I want to push forward though, make things happen. Do the best I can. Sometimes it seems such an effort though, it's awfully tempting sometimes to just sit back and let life take you along. And forget that life will be full of regret.

I'm worried that being away from work for so long will mean I won't get rostered on when there is work again. I know that's silly, since everyone had to take the time off..but still it's a thought.

I'm going to apply for jobs near my place, even though they'd more than likely be a lower pay it would save travel and I would like a job change....not that my current job is terrible, but I do prefer retail to hospitality.

I want to start trying to get Ann Davis published by my birthday. Which means I have a lot of writing to do. My plans for this month are get back into my gym routine, brainstorm income ideas, work on this product development plan for my housemate's business, get a second job in retail, ,feel more financially secure than I have the last couple months, get a good start on finishing Ann Davis and also doing as much of my scripts as possible so I can send off Bloom and start on the second draft of The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.

God knows if I can ever get the Oz one planned...but I think someone needs to make it at some point. And it feels like the right time to do it.

This Years Love

2010-01-04T07:37:07Z

Is it okay to want someone to love you?

When does wanting become a need?

Is it okay to hate yourself if you need love?

Is it okay to be afraid? Of love? Of living?

To think to yourself at night, that tomorrow you're going to try harder, do better, be better.

And when that time comes, when you can live or turn away, you pretend that everything is fine and get on with your 'life'.

When life looks so hard, when you can fail, when just not trying can go so wrong, how ever can I believe, that I can succeed?

And then I close my eyes, safe from the world in my sleep.

And there's always tomorrow.To repeat.

I look forward to the future because I want to escape there. And I go out in the world, filled with passion, with secret longing, with dreams and goals and values, and I want them to mean something so bad, and yet, before I sleep at night, I wonder if I'm failing at me.

Maybe love is only a need when we're not happy with the love we're giving ourselves...when the relationship we have with our soul becomes fractured, broken, maybe then we need the love of someone else.

New Years Eve

2009-12-31T10:04:32Z

It's that time of year again...looking back, looking forward...if only for two days.

I do have resolutions...but I don't think they really are 'resolutions' as such. They are more goals.Things I am hoping to accomplish; things I most assuredly WILL accomplish to the best of my ability. I haven't suddenly decided to 'resolve' issues, I just have goals, and writing them down, and thinking of them now, helps me set the stage for the year. It helps guide me.

People often talk about the negativity of the previous year at New Years rather than the good things, the lessons learnt, the unique people loved. So I thought I'd remind myself of all the good things:

I became independent.
I started University.
I decided when and how I am going to achieve my dream of going overseas and started planning.
I started a novel.
I had my first book published (albeit self-published, and for a present).
I made some new friends, and grew closer to some old ones.
I learnt some lessons about forgiveness, being human and humility.
I became impassioned.
I forgave two people dear to me.