I wondered today if maybe I'm too hard on myself...too driven...too passionate. It's definitely a good thing, but sometimes I think I go too far and feel disappointed with myself.

I'd rather be like that then lazy and undriven though. So meh.

I am working so much this week. 40ish hrs. I lied to centrelink. Haha. I really need all the money I can get though. I wrote down how much I scammed them though, so I can always add a bit to my income reports in future to make up for it.

My book is urging me to write it. Not much time though for it. Unless I do it now. But, I don't feel like it. I haven't had much free time at all this week. January I definitely will though, will try to do a huge chunk of it then.

My Mum's present I'm pretty happy with. It looks pretty professional. I hope she loves it :D

I want to buff up more. When I can afford it...maybe not for a couple years, I'm going to get a personal trainer. And drink protein shakes. But right now, I just have to go it alone. I'm worried I am getting fat around my belly...lol. I think it's just bloating though. In the morning, when I wake up, I'm a lot thinner. I'll try and get my abs better, that might help. Maybe. I'm eating the same as ever, so I shouldn't be getting fat. Although I do walk a lot less...but then again I go to the gym three times a week now. Hmm. I should use the treadmill at the gym after my workout. That's a good idea. I might start doing...rowing for 5 mins, weights, then treadmill for 5 mins, then weights. *nods*

Haha I just realised I basically talked to myself there...*sigh*

Sometimes it feels like...my thoughts are so separate from my body that they can't really be called Human; that my body is the enemy of my thoughts, my thinking being, my consciousness. Sometimes it feels like I am reigning by body in, trying to not let it stand in my way to success. Perhaps control isn't what is needed but a harmony...after all, without the body I wouldn't be able to feel, to see, to smell.

My novel's going well...it's really hit off now. I'm up to the part where science fiction starts to slowly creep its devious way into the story. Awesome characters that I live writing too. Tristan and Merl. Love the names? I do! It's funny, even though I created these characters, I don't feel like I can take all the credit...it's almost like the character do their bit too. I've talked about that before...characters seeming somewhat 'real'. One of my favourite aspects of writing.

Oooh the title of this entry would work well as the title of my book...does it sounds too sci-fi though? I want to keep away from the trappings of sci-fi titles. Aww it's already the name of a TV series anyway. Hmm. Maybe...well it's now the working title. Beats 'Default' anyway!

Exam today...

I'm sick. Oh well, I needed a bit of time to myself anyway. Having too take work off sucks though. I was going to be getting $600 next week. Now only around $400. It's depressing my centrelink gets cut down though when I earn over $236 in a fortnight.

I was thinking earlier...how I feel underappreciated. Usually only at work. It's just, the work I end up doing isn't what I am good at...I'm good at being creative, at writing, at leading. Not at following, at doing practical things, at remembering things, at using common sense. When you lack the common 'signs' of intelligence people think you are stupid, when you just aren't doing what you are good at.

Physical and practical things seem to be most people's grading of intelligence and capability. In school it was sport, why it is such a big deal I will never know. In work it's how much work you can do, the quality of it and your ability to follow directions and think for yourself (but as a team...how excruciating. Sometimes I wish I was a solo-worker in my job, not part of a team.)

I met a nice guy, another Ben. Why oh why? I'm not going to judge him on his name though, that's ridiculous. But fate seems to be dealing me a heavy hand in life lately...so much coincidence. Why can't my past be left behind more easily? Is it to stop me bringing it forward into the future, by not dealing with it in the present? As I seem to do. I never seem to fully get over things for a long time. Until I cry about it when I am drunk. Until I realise I am still dealing with it and I work out how to get over it. It's always just letting go, forgiving and moving on. One of the hardest things for me to do is realise it's okay to hate someone. To hate people who hurt me. I don't cope with hate well...I can't fully hate someone, I can see the good in everyone, I attempt to, and usually end up, understanding people. How can I hate someone who I understand, sympathise with, love? That is always my dilemma.

I feel a bit shivery. I'm hoping I get over this quickly. I can't afford, literally, to be sick. To get another infection. Infection is my greatest enemy, and yet the one I so often overcome.

I need to relax about my housemate. I worry so much about doing something wrong. I realised today that if he has a problem, he will tell me. I can only try my best. Do my best. And then, if he comes to me with a problem, then do my best to correct it.

I partially regret moving in. It's expensive. It upsets me. How can I afford to save to go overseas?

 And what's so special about this day?

I'm alive!

And life's fantastic.

PS: I got a new phone...it's red. Thus it goes fast. Obviously.

 Halloween last night. Was pretty sweet! Went to a party. Ben's party. Had a ball. Couldn't afford to go clubbing though. But meh, you get that.

I realised the other day that I need to grow up. Not that I'm immature. Not that I'm an idiot who goes through life never learning lessons. Far from it. I just realised that I need to be stronger. I need to accept things, and move on from them. I know who I am, I know the good things about me, the bad. I'm not in denial. This is life, not a fucking dress rehearsal! I thought that was a good line. Saved it to my phone. Is it original? It sounds good...too good. Maybe I stole it? Who knows. Who cares. It's powerful. It's now my life motto. My mantra. And I'm loving it. I don't mean the quote. Well I love that too. But I mean life. Life is fantastic.

Bloom, now that's going pretty well. I'm 100% happy with the script. I just hope anyone else who reads it will think the same. I'm thinking about paying this guy who reads scripts to take a look at it for me. See what comments he says. He's cheap, like 30 bux. And it's not like I have to take his advice. But, I'm sure it'll be more worthwhile than friends reading it.

I have THREE 800 words essays to write this week, an 1800 word essay and 12-15 pages of script. Then there's a bloomin exam on the 20th, and I've finished my first semester of Uni. *sigh* Life is going so well for me. And yet I want more more more! I've become such a driven person. Good thing, right?

My novel, bloody Ann Davis (tentative title, I hate it, so changing it...when I think of a better one) is going really well. I think so anyway. I'm not sure if it's more young adult or adult fiction. Probably Young Adult. *shrugs* When I go without writing it for too long I have Ann, here, in my mind, shouting at me, begging me to tell her story. It's like it's happened, the whole adventure. And she's waiting, at home, with a cuppa, just waiting for me to recount her tale. Well, I'm trying Ann. I'll get there. My aim is to have it finished by the time I start first semester of Uni next year. So that's, what, three months to write, say, 100,000 words? Can I do it? Sure I can! If I never mention this again, you'll know I haven't then. I'll be hiding my face in shame. But, we'll see. We will see.

That's pretty much what's been happening lately...ooooh I'm going overseas! I'm going to study in the UK from Jan to June 2011, then travel around Europe (a tour most likely) for a bit and then study in France from September to January. Then come home. I can't wait :D Bit of a stress getting the money I need though...but hopefully I can get it together. I'm sure I can.

 It feels like I'm failing, like I'm on the verge of losing...and that I'm mourning my own death. It's like nothing can go right, and there's no escape, nothing holds any sway besides my imminent failure. It's like nothing matters. Nothing.

 I'm paranoid. Not in a crazy way. I'm so used to living in a place with all these rules and pressures that I am paranoid that everything I do is the wrong thing to do in my new place...and whenever I do something that my flatmate (names Matt btw) wants to discuss, I feel like I am stupid and have made the biggest mistake. I guess I am half in the mindset that there is something wrong with me, that's why I am hard to live with (when my aunt and uncle were just hard to live with in general, for anyone) and I am worried I will stuff things up and have to move out. Both are stupid...I know. The first few weeks are all about communication problems we have with each other, and work out a way of doing things that take into consideration the other person. The middle road, so to speak. I just need to relax. Calm down. Let things take their course. Learn from my mistakes, and be a good flatmate. I need to understand I'm not a superhuman who doesn't make mistakes or read people's minds and know what bothers them.

 I've moved out! Finally! I'm sane now...sane and independant! And I LOVE it!

I still haven't gotten my book in the mail...but it should come early this week. Annoyingly it will be delivered to my Aunt and Uncle's place (where I used to live, pretty sure I said where I was staying before)...so that means I have to trek the hour bus ride down there to get it...if I want to get it on a weekday, otherwise get a friend to take me on the weekend *sigh* Can't wait to have it in my hands! My poetry...in print. Imagine that. Even though it's a one off book, that only my Mum and whoever she shows will see...but still, I'm proud. I feel accomplished. I will orgasm when I have it in my hands, let me tell you. If I was to keep it I would probably make a little shrine in my room devoted to it...that's how excited I am. haha!

Wow that sounds a bit vain :P

Anyway, I am identifying as Buddhist now. I'm reading up on the religion, and will soon be going to classes/talks on it. I ventured to the Buddhist Temple today...what a long journey, but, after spending time on 10 buses (yes TEN buses) today, I must say, it was worth it. Of course, that's 10 buses to get to uni, the temple, to my aunts, then back again. Not JUST to the temple haha. But still, it would of been only 6 buses otherwise. But anyway, point is it was great. I didn't have much time though, cause the buses were hourly, and I had to walk like 20 mins to the temple. I am going on sunday morning though (just realised I will be getting like 6 hrs sleep that night cause of working late) probably. It's for a meditation class. I have to start in beginners class, even though I'm not a beginner, but oh well. It's only 20 bux for like 5 lessons.

It's nice to be able to say 'I am Buddhist'. Words mean a lot to me...they are everything I am. So, to be able to succinctly describe my philosophy in a simple word is priceless. Also, to be able to TALK to others about it. Finally. I have so many secrets in regards to what I think about life. It's rare that I find someone to talk to about them.

Anyway...life's pretty damn good at the moment. I'm riding the ride of my dreams...moving forward to succeed :D

I feel so empowered!

I don't NEED anybody, and in fact, I am better off not wanting to be with someone. If I fall in love, so be it, but I don't need anyone. That's the lesson I've learnt from things that have been happening lately.

I'm considering saving up money and getting some books of my poetry printed...and selling them and try to make a profit AND get my name out there. If it's a worthwhile venture I will do it...just need to talk to some people, get some contacts, and do some research first...but I think it might be a good idea. Even if the profit is minimal. I will only print off say 100 copies at first, sell them for more than it cost to print them, and if they sell reasonably quick or if there is more interest I will use the profits ti print off more. Etc. etc. Will see!

I've been back into Tarot cards lately...it's funny, when things aren't going that great I stop using them because I don't want to be told about the shit that's happening...which I know it will tell me. I guess it's an avoidance of realisation. Almost a form of denial! haha.

I am REALLY excited about what I am getting my Mum for her birthday. I think she will LOVE it. I certainly do. I'm so proud of it. Haha. It's just nice to see something I have created in print. Even though I could save on postage and have it sent straight to her, I am getting it send to me first so I can look at it...and bask in my pride...before I send it off. Which means she will get it a week or two late.

Back to Uni tomorrow...I get like three assessments back this week, can't wait to see how I did! I'm also looking forward to the routine of Uni...and just generally my lectures and tutorials. I'm glad I love it so much, the assessments would be even harder to do if I didn't like what subjects I was doing.

 It's been awhile since I posted...I've had a lot of things to work over in my mind. And finally I feel like I am free of a lot of them.

I partly want to stop writing entries here, I don't know why. But I'm going to keep at it. I think it's good to have somewhere to write how I feel, what's been happening, my thoughts, and to share my poetry, stories and ideas.

Nothing much has been happening...like in my life...it's all been inside things, in my heart and mind. I am looking for a new place to live at the moment with a friend, hopefully I'll be moving out soon. I'm getting stressed here.

I've decided to finish a novel I started when I was 16, tentatively called Ann Davis. Set in the 19th century, Ann Davis, and her friend Thomas, become embroiled in the affairs of the Great Federation, who are claiming Earth as a prison planet for alien criminals, and the Environmental Corps, who believe the Human race deserve to be left alone, as they are Species Class 2. Starting with a grisly crime, and the hunt for the monstrous killer, the book is a hightail mix of suspense, science fiction, historical fiction and fantasy. With a bit of romance and comedy thrown in! 

I hope your intrigued by what I've said...but I wouldn't be surprised if you aren't...I'm not good at talking about my ideas.

I realised something about myself last night...

I hate myself for loving and allowing myself to be hurt. I need to forgive myself for loving people who have ended up hurting me. It's not my fault. I have no way of knowing it will end the way it does. It's a good thing that I have faith in the best of people. I should think this way, but I don't. And I can't turn it off. So I overthink, and push people away to cope. It hurts to love everytime. And I can't help but love. I hate myself because I love.

I don't know how to feel whole again. How to love myself for who and the way I am. How to love myself when I allow myself to be hurt.

I need to stop being upset about what I can't help.

 Haven't written an entry in awhile...it's not that a lot hasn't been happening...it's just I didn't feel like writing about it. This journal sometimes feels like a friend, and you can only go on and on about something before a friend feels overburdened. Plus, people read this, I don't like going on and on about the same things, as if I never get over them. Everyone who reads this knows the things I have trouble with are ongoing things for awhile until they are resolved, they don't magically become better after writing about it in an entry...so I don't need to repeat myself.

I've been working a fair bit, skipped uni two days last week...I was a bit sick. Was getting breathless. Hard to tell whether it was due to emotional shit, the flu or a combination of both.

I get a necklace I got off ebay today...I can't wait. It looks awesome in the pics! It's a romanticsed cross on a leather band with two rings and an army tag (like all on the necklace)...it's really cool. Very me I think.

I've gotten a first draft out for a tv series called The Other One...I wrote it in a few days. Pretty speedy. It just flowed so easily. I am happy with 75% of it. I'll tell you about it another time.

For now...I have two appointments...just realised, one is for my mental health, the other my physical. In a way anyway. haha.

Hope everyone is going fantastically! xo

 I've been on two dates now with a guy...he's great. Hopefully going on a third this weekend :D

I'm still not over the last guy...I thought I was starting too...but no. That's why I'm taking this slow...getting to know this new guy, going on dates, not committing...I want to be over him before I commit to someone new.

I had a dream about him last night...the guy I'm trying to get over I mean...I've had a few of them lately. They're always hopeful. Him saying something I want to hear. Me going to pull away...but then being weak and giving in. I guess that was the epitome of me liking him in real life too. I'm weak when it comes to having feelings for someone. I'm selfish.

I'm COMPARING them. It's terrible. It's stupid. They are two completely different people. I found myself trying to see characteristics in the person I am getting over in the person I am going on dates with now...trying to see the past guy in the future guy. Which is stupid, like I said, two different people. And yet, I'm worried that because they are so different...that this new one won't work out at all. But it's not like I fall in love with same type of person again and again...is it?

I think the chase drove my feelings forward...maybe. I don't know. It's good to think that. Reassuring. If the past guy were easy perhaps I wouldn't have ended up liking him in the way I did. It's making it easier to let go.

I feel like crying. I just wish things were easier. I fear hurting people...cause I have committed to someone in the past and then realised I didn't feel the way I thought I did about them. Now I'm paranoid about doing it again. All these reasons to not commit, to doubt any feelings I have...what's wrong with me? Maybe I'm a commitment phobe. I'm certainly a falling in love with someone I can't have phobe now though. I don't feel like I can be friends with anyone I find remotely attractive who isn't single, it scares me. Silly, huh?

I'm going to Riverfire on the weekend, and the gallery...I can't wait. It's my third date :D

Work tonight. It's a good job. Great pay. Easy work.

Father's Day was nice...was good to see family for the weekend.

I really need to get more writing done...so much for a short story a fortnight!

This Moment

 And he speaks
With soft, whispered
Words, his hand
Trembles, so delicately,
So easily, so beautifully. 

And I hold
His gaze, with
Mine, and we
Love, so perfectly,
So deliciously, so fantastically. 

And the touch
We share, this
Moment, in time
Sends shivers, down
My spine, so tenderly. 

And then this
Kiss, soft, rough
Lips, with tongue
Passionately delves, whence,
None before, has gone…so sure. 

This spark,
This flame,
This love,
Is ours,
To keep…
In this moment,
At least.

 Back to the start. The beginning. The normality.

My last entry...I don't regret it, but it wasn't very hopeful. But I AM hopeful. I know I will fall in love again, I know I will find someone who I will be fantastically happy with.

Life carries on, things are gotten over, we move on. I will move on. And I have learnt lessons. I've become firecely independant when it comes to having feelings for someone. I don't feel I NEED them. I can carry on without them. I can put up with not getting attention, with not having my feelings returned. It's not a good place to be, but it has taught me how to not be clingy, how to be independant, and how to be happy single.

Everything has it's good side. I know that. I think we all know that. We just like to, in fact need to, focus on the shit sometimes so we can work through it and get over it. Being foolishly optimistic means your sadness is never expressed.

It's okay to feel hopeless sometimes...it revitalises - when you realise the good things, and the potentials and possibilities...you feel so much better, better than before.

First pay on thursday...$370 for 21 hrs work!

When will the day come,
when I can celebrate,
a love?

When I can hold,
someone,
someone I love.

When the world,
stands apart,
our love,
only ours,
to know.

When can I kiss,
without wondering,
when will you leave?

When can I sleep,
love you in my dreams,
and find you still,
beside me,
when I awake?

When will somebody,
tell me,
they love me...

and it turn out,
to be true,
to be honest.

When will I love,
someone who tells the truth,
someone who is faithful,
and has the decency,
to tell me,
how they feel,
and if they hurt me,
why?
why me?

When will the world,
play at my feet;
a love so perfect,
a love...so sweet.

When will my,
heart stop bleeding,
stop wasting,
its love,
on people,
who don't love me,
back?

When will this fear,
of forgetting,
how to love,
subside?

19,
and still,
never had,
a love,
honestly,
returned,
or hurt,
honestly,
explained.

I'm sick of pretending that I'm okay, when honestly I'm not. I'm not okay with what Nick did. I'm not okay with having feelings for people, and then having to get over them. I'm sick of the disappointment, the death of hope, I'm sick of wondering if something's wrong with me, I'm sick of wondering if I'm a great big fallacy, I'm sick of wondering if no one takes me seriously, I'm sick of feeling that I can't be loved, I'm sick of people who are in relationships that aren't working and carrying on anyway...sort the fucking problems you have out people, you're lucky you're in love and that they love you back...I'm sick of...of loving. Of caring. Of finding somebody beautiful, inside and out.

I'm seriously wondering if I can handle another heartache.

 My heart ached thursday morning, it was like someone had died. Then I realised, I wasn't upset because I had lost hope...I was feeling the pain of a heart...a heart that refuses to stop beating, to stop loving...a tortured heart. Everytime it happens now...it hurts more and more. It isn't true that you ever get used to it...you don't. Everytime the old wounds are reopened, repierced, and the pain is worse and worse...some people go numb, eventually, and they stop loving altogether...I'm afraid this will happen to me.

I was thinking...I often forget that my frailties are only known so well by me...because they are mine...they are hidden, safe inside.

As I get older I am realising that the death of hope is the worst pain of all.

I started work Wednesday...it was really good...worked again yesterday...again was great. Had free drinks after work, like 5 of them, which was sweet. Got home at like 9.15 though...was exhausted. Being drunk wasn't good for me atm either...and yet there's something attractive in losing yourself to your emotions, letting them flow freely.

To Hide 

Irrelevant prose,
To mask your fault,
To hide your mind,
Your heart, your soul. 

Nothing seen:
Nothing lost,
Except perhaps,
Some friend, some love,
Some strange connection,
Never to miss. 

Perhaps I crave,
This open look,
Inside your gaze,
Your soul, your heart,
Because of love,
Of some strange – 

Desire -
I know you not,
Nor soul, nor mind,
Nor heart,
Or love. 

Baseless flirts,
To mask your heart,
To hide your soul,
Your love,
Your fault – 

From me,
Or everyone else?

That Girl 

Hips so slender,
Voice so strong,
Breasts enlivened,
Legs so long. 

Walking fast,
Holding head high,
Voices behind you,
Jealous sighs,
A disapproving stare,
Perhaps a glare.

 Ipod chirping,
Song unsuccinct,
Perhaps pop?
Or is rock,
More your thing? 

Past you now,
Perhaps you think,
My fast, strong gait,
Is the missing link,
The man you need,
The one, indeed.

 Her heels are loud,
Clip-clapping on stone.
I turn with abated breath,
She’s gone.

 This morning as I was walking to the bus stop I suddenly felt impassioned to write. The first hint of spring is so uplifting, I just had to be home writing all about the welcoming vista of this morning...of course I had to go to uni, and then the gym, and by the time I was home the wonder and joy had long been forgotten. Spring brings with it a rejuvanation of the spirit. The same with a storm...a strong breeze at the right moment...and that first splash of rain againt your nose.

There was a strange man on the bus today...he's been on it twice before...but today I really noticed how odd he was...he talks to himself, he wears odd clothing, an odd hat...even though he was so odd I couldn't bear to laugh at him...even internally...I know he is far braver than most people. Or perhaps, he's so odd that he's lacking the function to care about it...but I'd prefer to think he was brave. Because there are some rare people who truly don't care, who will go about their day how they like to, wearing what they like, outside the confines of society.

I was thinking about...how some people feel they aren't hot enough, or good enough, for certain people...and I thought, 'We should never feel like we have a place - that there is a social heirarchy that we must abide by and live confined by.'

I find that as my life grows more determined, focused and busy what little free time I have is better spent than the abundant free time of the more relaxed last two years. So...for me at least...having 'just enough' free time is perfect...I use it well...but having too much, I may as well have little, cause I treat it like there is plenty of it...if that makes sense!

I discovered today that Pretezels, caramel, peanuts, peanut butter and chocolate...strangely compliment each other well. Yum!

 I'm mourning the loss of possibility...what could of been.

I prefer to mourn what was...what has been...not what could be...I hate it when I know what I want, and have it so close, hold it so close...and it escapes me. When I don't get what I want. And I mourn. I cry. Because what I wanted, I realise, I can't have...

The pain ebbs slowly along, my heart at the centre, a dull heavy weight upon me...the hurt pumps through, the disappointment in my hands, my toes...and it becomes too much, tears of pain, of hurt, of loss, of the thought that I mean nothing to no one...escape.

And I sit, and I cry, and life goes on...

And they often never know these tears I've shed...I'm too afraid of adding confusion and guilt to someone else's world.

These tears are mine, and mine...alone.